Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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