We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
We are all done wearing pants today
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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