Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
