I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
