just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
