i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
