im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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