How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
