Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
