I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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