We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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