I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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