I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
