Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
