Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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