I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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