i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We need a shit load of segways right now
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
