i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
