the condom got lost in my hair
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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