I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
