i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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