I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
This is my gift to your gina
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
