Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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