Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
What drink are we having for lunch?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
