My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
