my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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