Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Randomize
