When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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