apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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