Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
