I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
