The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
