Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
