I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
