you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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