I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
