Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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