I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
