Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Alive.
So much puke
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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