3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I love you. Go after that dick
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