Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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