So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
