You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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