Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
