I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
