My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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