I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
