my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have already put on my inside pants.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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