First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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