nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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