Umm I'm too high to move.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
