I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
